You meet this person who loves and adores you and makes you feel on top of the world. You are showered with so much attention, compliments, and gifts that you start pinching yourself to make sure that you are not dreaming.
You start feeling that you have at last found your soulmate. You are happy beyond imagination. This will be felt more if you have gone through abusive and exploitative relationships in the past.
There begins your relationship with an insecure person.
The honeymoon lasts for a short while. Then, out of the blue, you are back to earth with a bump.
The attention you considered as affection and love turn into obsession and possessiveness overnight. You will start feeling the pressure to dedicate your full attention and constantly prove your love and devotion.
So much so that you will start feeling trapped and cornered. You begin to see through the facade of love, attention, and compliments. The bubble has burst. You feel suffocated in the relationship.
You find every moment of the day frustrating and tiring. You are not sure what to do or whom to ask for help. Even if you find someone to turn to, it is bound to lead to more trouble.
Insecure and immature people are dating nightmares. Don’t lose hope. There are ways to deal with them.
This article offers you a peek into the mind of an insecure person and offers you suggestions on how to handle them.
What makes a person feel insecure and inadequate?
The feeling of insecurity takes diverse shades ranging from narcissism and low self-worth to lack of confidence in their value, capabilities, and trust. Some of the common traits include possessiveness, jealousy, and overprotectiveness. Here are some more examples of insecurities in a relationship.
They are typically underachievers and constantly need someone to massage their egos. Their mood changes like a chameleon. They need to know where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with every moment of the day.
An insecure person is controlling and manipulative. They are hyper-sensitive and give undue importance to the opinion of others. They don’t tolerate criticism and love to brag about themselves, often about their imaginary achievements in their make-believe world.
They love to criticize, deride, bully, and belittle you. They are always looking for wrong intentions in your actions. They don’t trust anyone including you.
The most common reasons for the insecure feeling in a person are past trauma, recent failures, social anxiety, and obsession for perfection.
Common signs of an insecure person
Whether it is an insecure husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend, the damage this inflicts on the partner is devastating.
- They want to control your life.
- They always keep tabs on your activities.
- They never accept their mistakes.
- They want compliments but no criticism.
- They are always doubting your loyalty.
- They blow up when things go awry.
- They are always humiliating you and showing you your place.
- They are excessively jealous of your friends and colleagues.
How to deal with an insecure person?
How to deal with an insecure husband/wife depends on various factors. The most important among them is the severity of the affliction.
In most cases, it is possible to overcome the feeling of insecurity. This will work if you are willing to make the effort and your insecure partner is willing to acknowledge the flaw and accept your help.
1. You may be triggering the feeling unawares.
Does your insecure partner behave the same way with others? If they act normal with others but are insecure only in your relationship, you may be doing something to set off this feeling in them. Most probably your actions are innocent and without any ulterior motive.
Then, all you need to do is to take corrective measures in your behavior. And reassure your partner about your commitment to the relationship.
2. Offer your support to help them get over it.
If you are keen on making the relationship work, it makes sense to help your partner overcome the feeling of insecurity. To make this happen, communication is the main tool. Have open conversations with your partner, offering your help and eliminating any misunderstandings.
As your partner is known to have character flaws, give them a wide berth. Go easy and make good your promises. Try to accommodate their demands and obsessions as a short-term measure to help them heal and gain confidence.
3. Reassure them of your commitment.
Take the extra effort to make them feel loved and appreciated. Tell them explicitly that you value the relationship and would never leave them. Most often, this is all it needs to solve the problem.
You can go a step further and give them gifts. There is no need to be extravagant or buy expensive ones. Thoughtful gestures convey the message much better than words.
4. Encourage them to talk about what is troubling them.
Insecure people are often timid and shy and desist from talking about their feelings and what they are going through. They feel that revealing their weaknesses will reduce their stature in the eyes of others.
Reassure them that this is not the case. It takes courage to open your heart to another person. You may talk about your own insecurity issues to get them to open up. This is hard to make happen but not impossible. Make them feel secure enough in the relationship so that they muster the courage to talk about their insecurities and/or their troubled past.
5. Desist from feeling the same way as your insecure partner.
An insecure partner drains a relationship. When you are going through so much strain and frustration, it is natural for you to slip into the same bottomless pit of insecurity. Understandably, you want to retaliate and take revenge for the torture you are being subjected to. Just pause for a moment and consider what this can do to you and where this will leave you.
Resist the temptation to resort to negative behavior just like your partner. If you do that, remember, there will be no future for your relationship. And you will end up being the insecure partner in your next relationship. You don’t want that for sure.
6. Gain the trust of your partner by being open and honest.
These are the most vital requirements in a relationship. Just because your partner is not keeping their end of the bargain doesn’t mean you have to stoop to the same level. You continue to be your best self. Your honesty and love may seep through and reach your partner eventually.
It may not be easy for you to carry on for long. With so much negativity in the relationship, it is bound to affect your behavior. So, follow this up with more constructive actions to help your partner get over the feeling of insecurity.
7. Include your partner in your plans
When you are being subjected to such negative behavior, it is natural that you turn defensive and withdraw into yourself. This translates to excluding your partner from your life. It is understandable why you are practicing emotional detachment and taking care of your interests. However, that is not going to resolve the problem. In fact, this will make it worse.
When your partner notices that you can manage on your own without their help, you can expect more anger and tantrums. Your partner will feel more insecure not knowing what you are doing, and who you are with. By including them in your plans, you are reassuring them of your commitment.
8. Give them room to change their behavior.
Shifting a mindset is a hard and arduous task and is not going to happen overnight. So, offer them enough time and space to make it happen. Try to be patient and offer support to make it happen.
However, this doesn’t mean you should allow your partner to continue their abusive and controlling behavior. While reassuring your partner of your commitment and love, you may tell them that you will not be putting up with such behavior anymore and it is time for them to change. Putting them on notice may act as a wake-up call.
When you are the affected partner, there is no need to elaborate on how insecurity affects relationships. You are the living proof. You can deal with the situation in so many ways. The best is of course being positive about it and taking it up as a challenge to help your partner heal.
When you decide to take proactive steps to change the status quo of your relationship and help your partner get over their feelings of insecurity, you can set a timeframe for things to change. If you can sense positive changes in your partner, even if a little, you may even extend this deadline.
However, after all your efforts, if your partner is not showing any signs of improvement, it may be time for you to leave the relationship. Living with someone who refuses to accept their flaws and take corrective steps is not good for you.
Long-term abusive relationships can harm your mental health and turn you into a negative person. It is not worth it. You definitely deserve a better partner.