How To Detach From Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Relationships are hard and complex enough without add-on troubles like BPD. When your partner is suffering from an emotionally draining mental health condition like Borderline Personality Disorder, things may escalate to unimaginable levels.

A person with Borderline Personality Disorder is often described as an “emotional vampire”. That says a lot about the kind of relationship you can expect. Erratic behavior, over-the-top demands, and excessively needy to the point that you find it draining and energy-sapping.

If you’re in love with this person, you may find yourself in an impossible situation. You find it impossible to tolerate them and live with them. You find it even more difficult to leave them.

In case, you’re unfortunate enough to be in this situation and unable to make up your mind about how to go forward with the relationship, read on.

This article will help you understand more about Borderline Personality Disorder and guide you to safety. If you’re unsure of how to detach from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and escape from the vicious cycle of codependency, you may find the suggestions given here helpful.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

It’s not easy for a normal person to truly and completely understand the despair and pain endured by a person with BPD. they don’t have the mental faculties to process the emotions surging in their mind. This may lead to emotional bleeding.

A person suffering from BPD will have low self-esteem, trouble with self-image, and out-of-control emotions. They will find it hard to function normally in everyday life and maintain healthy relationships.

For the partner of a BPD person, their behavior can be extremely terrifying and frustrating. They may say something and do something else. They may make promises that they will not keep. Every moment spent with a person with BPD is uncertain and anxiety-ridden for the partner. There is no knowing what to expect from them.

Then you add to the mix a sizable chunk of seething emotions and a bigger dose of self-loathing. You will feel like falling down a bottomless pit with no escape plan.

As the partner, one of the most important aspects you need to understand is that your BPD partner doesn’t want to hurt you intentionally but invariably ends up causing pain to you because they cannot control their emotions. Those close to a BPD person and their loved ones feel helpless and hopeless when dealing with them. Trauma from dating someone with BPD is real.

How to detach from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

You indeed love your partner despite them suffering from BPD. However, everyday life has become too unmanageable for you, though you have done everything you can think of and tried your best.

You don’t want to cut ties with your partner because you feel like betraying or abandoning them. This doesn’t mean you need to stay put in the relationship. When you’re feeling miserable, you cannot help your partner either.

One choice before you is to get professional help for your partner so that their symptoms will remain under control. If this is not possible or working, you can try detaching yourself from the person.

In case you aren’t sure how to do this, here are a few suggestions for you to try out.

1. Limit contact

As they are always riding high on passions and emotions, ignoring someone with Borderline Personality Disorder may not be easy for you.

They are unpredictable, overly emotional, disruptive, manipulative, and acting out of character. They may have phases when they feel totally empty inside and struggle to make sense of it.

All their struggles and vulnerabilities may make you think that with enough help and support, they will get better. This is not entirely correct. Even when they act helpless, when you approach them with help, they may lash out at you.

It’s better for all concerned to set limits. Limit how far you will get close to them. Limit how much time you will spend with them. You need to do this for your own protection, especially when they display signs of violence. This will help you avoid getting sucked into their vicious cycle of negativity and chaos.

2. Stay safe

As a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder may not be able to control their behavior at all times, it is common to find them engaged in unhealthy and harmful practices like self-harm, shoplifting, infidelity, and substance abuse.

Even when they commit these acts intentionally, they may not be able to grasp their implications. Those close to the mentally ill person may get worked up about their actions. As a partner, you need to remind yourself that they are suffering from one of the most severe mental illnesses. They no longer have control over their minds and their actions. So, don’t try too much to help or feel dejected, because you can only do so much.

There is a real threat to you also from your BPD partner. Violence is one of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Before you try to help them, ensure your safety. In case you feel threatened, don’t hesitate to call for help or even law enforcement.

Seeking therapy for yourself is also a good idea. It can help you cope with chaos and volatility.

3. Invest in self-care

This is often forgotten when you’re dealing with a person with a mental health disorder. You may feel the urge to invest all your time and energy in helping your BPD partner. But you need to remember that you will be in a position to help only when you are healthy.

When you are around your BPD partner, you may be cautious about not triggering their anger. You may be walking on eggshells. That is not good for your mental health. You should indeed pay attention to your health and well-being.

Though it’s difficult to detach from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, you should do it for your own sake. Don’t equate detaching to not caring or abandoning them. Think of it as stepping back to allow your partner more space in the relationship.

You can still help them when they want help. When you detach from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, you are taking care of your well-being so that you will be in a better position to help your partner.

4. Set boundaries

Boundaries are vital for the health of any relationship. When one of the partners is a BPD, this becomes all the more relevant. Saying no to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is important.

If you stay too close to your partner, you would be easily triggered by their words and actions. When you feel agitation, guilt, confusion, or anger in the presence of your BPD partner, you are worsening their situation. Having boundaries will keep you safe from your partner’s temper tantrums as well as ensure a calm atmosphere for your partner.

A peaceful atmosphere can help in improving communication and prevent burnout in the relationship.

5. Seek professional help

If you find it difficult to deal with the demands of a BPD partner and have a hard time detaching yourself from them, you shouldn’t hesitate to seek help and support.

A therapist can guide you away from negativity towards healthy and positive grounds. They will teach you coping strategies and ways to set healthy boundaries. Joint therapy sessions are always better but if your BPD partner refuses to join, you can go in for individual therapy.

Joining a support group is highly recommended for partners of those affected by BPD.

Final thoughts on loving someone with borderline personality disorder

When you date someone with BPD, you need to understand that only a thin line separates your helping them and encouraging impropriety and wrongdoing. Unless your health is good, you may not be in a position to make the right judgment.

If you find the relationship too stifling or feel that your presence is harming your partner more than helping, you should take a step back and detach from the relationship for a short while.

Teach yourself not to take things BPD say or do personally. They have issues and you can do so little about them. Accept them as they are. Learn how to be friends with someone with BPD. At the same time, know that they’re responsible for their words and actions and not you.

Don’t blame yourself when they do something wrong. Remember that help is available for you and them. All you need to do is reach out.

Related: