Consider this scene. You feel insecure despite your partner doing their best to reassure you. How long do you think your partner can put up with your behavior?
Do you expect your partner to overlook some of your behavior traits because you are so good otherwise? You continue to cling to some bad behaviors even after knowing that your partner doesn’t like it, thinking, “Love me for who I am”.
Are you surprised by the change in attitude in your partner towards something you do? They used to love it in the early days of the relationship but now find it annoying. Are you willing to adapt to changed circumstances or be stubborn and defend yourself?
These are just a few common scenarios of self-destructive behavior in relationships. Most of the time, you do things without realizing their effects on your partner or how your partner’s dislike for it can affect your relationship.
Your pessimistic attitude, your constant cribbing and brooding, your cynical or overbearing nature, or your refusal to feel happy and mingle with friends can all be classified as self-destructive tendencies in the context of a relationship as they are all deal-breakers.
If you feel you have any of these behavior patterns and would really want to change them, you have come to the right place. In this article, you will find ways to stop being self-destructive.
Why do you have a self-destructive personality?
Sabotaging relationships is nothing unique or uncommon. Unfortunately, an overwhelming majority have it in varying intensities. The worst part is that those displaying self-destructive relationship patterns often do it without being aware of it.
Our behavior patterns are formed from what we absorb from our environment. From our childhood experiences to the ones after we reach adulthood, anything and everything will influence our behavior.
Maybe you were raised by parents who were not on good terms. Or there were people in your environment with relationship issues. Growing up among people who have unhealthy relationships can influence your behavior towards your partner later on in life. Or maybe your early relationships were not healthy and impacted the way you treat your partner.
Your insecurities, your defensive approach, your stubbornness, or your pessimistic nature are all self-destructive behavior signs that can create hurdles in your relationship.
However, relationship experts tell us that you can turn your life around completely if you really want to. The first step to recovery is to become fully aware of your affliction.
How to save yourself from a self-destructive relationship?
If you want to break out of the self-destructive pattern, you should be able to view the issues without judgment or being defensive. The problem arises when your defensive mechanism is hyperactive and goes on an overdrive. Without allowing you to look at the issues matter-of-factly, it impairs your fair-minded approach.
When your mind is taking a negative and defensive approach, all you see is what you want to see. You intentionally or unawares repeat the same behavior that has been creating problems for you in the relationship. Even after knowing that your behavior is harming your relationship, you continue to take the same negative approach.
Breaking out of this pattern is hard but achievable. Accepting responsibility for your actions and holding yourself accountable for your behavior can be the starting points for the change you want to see in yourself.
Here are some constructive steps you can implement in your life to avoid self-sabotaging your relationship.
1. Leave your self-critical attitude
Your judgmental ways can cloud your outlook and prevent you from understanding your partner’s viewpoint. It is not an easy task to stop being critical, be it directed at yourself or your partner.
Instead of looking at issues through a negative lens, develop the habit to see things through love, affection, and trust. Learning to accept yourself or your partner without bringing in external factors can help you get rid of your self-destructive behavior.
2. Try to get to the root of the issue
Changing a habit as an adult is not easy. You can do this if you go about it in the right way. One of the time-tested ways to make it happen is to go back to where you acquired this behavior. Maybe from the behavior of someone you trusted like your parents.
You have to convince yourself that they may have their own reasons to behave like that. And, it did not do them any good either. Remember how they always fought with each other. Do you want a life like that? Convince yourself to act now so that you can have a better life with your partner.
3. Identify the triggers
Is something ticking you off to behave destructively? Check a few episodes in your past where you bungled up badly with your partner. Is there a common trigger that you can identify?
Work on them to make the triggers ineffective. When you are aware of the effect of these triggers, you can stay alert and avoid a repeat of the incident.
4. Seek out role models
When you want to improve your behavior and eliminate the bad effects of triggers in your life, one simple approach you can adopt is to see how others are faring in similar situations. If possible, you can have a heart-to-heart talk with some people who you feel have mastered this craft.
How do they manage to stay calm when facing triggers? How do they ensure that they do not allow their negative side to take over their personality? How to avoid repeating the same mistakes again?
When you are looking for help, find people who understand your predicament and are willing to help you. Learn to differentiate the genuine ones from those who have vested interests in you remaining as it is.
5. Chart out a strategy
When you are looking at overhauling your basic behavior, you need to realize that it is not going to happen overnight. Be ready for a long and arduous journey. Rest assured; it would be worth every bit of effort you put into it.
You can take a step-by-step approach and set milestones along the way to make it easier on you. With every milestone achieved, you will be closer to the goal of who you want to become. It may not always be forward steps alone. You may have to face setbacks. Be prepared for them and learn to take them in your stride. Just remind yourself that you are going to reach the goal no matter what.
Concluding thoughts
Often it is your ignorance, immaturity, or lack of awareness that is leading you down the wrong road to self-destructing your relationship. Neither are your intentions bad nor do you want to disappoint your partner. You are just a victim of the circumstances you grew up in.
You can change your destructive behavior with willpower and focus. Once you master this technique, you can weed out every single one of those destructive behaviors in yourself. You can look forward to building a healthy, committed, and long-lasting relationship with your partner.
Are you a couple looking to spice up your relationship? Read more about sensual exercises for couples that will help achieve intimacy and passion.
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