Among all the attachment styles we witness in adults, secure attachment is the healthiest, the most desirable, and the best.
As the name suggests, a person with a secure attachment style is the most confident, self-assured, bold, and trusting. As they are comfortable with the ideas of commitment and intimacy and understand the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, a secure person makes an ideal partner for people of any personality type.
All these and more make a person with a secure attachment style the most sought-after in the dating scene. The question is how to identify the personality type of the person on the first date.
Each personality type comes with tell-tale signs related to their own personalities. Once you are familiar with the signs of secure attachment, all you need to do is look out for them in the people you are interested in.
This article describes in detail the most common and easy-to-detect signs of secure attachment style in adults.
What is secure attachment?
When a child is made to feel safe, secure, and stable by the caregiver, they develop a loving bond with the caregiver. The child is said to have a secure attachment style.
As adults, the attachment style remains the same, unless it is deliberately changed.
When a child has a less than desirable childhood and is raised in an unstable and unpredictable environment, they tend to have insecure attachment styles such as anxious or avoidant attachment. They grow up to be insecure individuals. But this is not the end of the world.
If they really want to, with patience and effort, it is possible to transform the attachment style to a more secure one.
In case, you are already in a relationship with an insecure person, you can do your bit to help them become more secure. It would be unfair to write off a partner with an insecure personality based on their history without putting in some effort to make them feel more secure.
Whether you are suffering from insecure attachment or you have a partner with this problem personality, you can do a lot in the transformation into a secure attachment.
Signs of secure attachment in adults
If you are trying to identify the personality type of a partner or a potential partner, you will be able to spot most of the signs listed here in someone with secure attachment. As they are confident and self-assured, a person with a secure attachment style stands out among the crowd and so is easier to recognize.
1. They are comfortable with open conversations.
Because of their stable and secure background, they don’t find the need to suppress their feelings and thoughts. They feel free to open up about their personal details, background, and what is going on in their life.
They don’t hesitate to ask for help or offer help. They spell out their needs and desires in uncertain terms and with clarity. You know exactly where you stand with such a person as they reveal their innermost emotions and never try to hide anything.
2. They clearly show empathy.
No wonder they make ideal partners. A partner with a secure attachment style can understand what you are going through without much effort. They are always ready at hand to support you and help you in any way possible.
The best trait of a securely attached partner is that they can take care of themselves as well as an insecure partner. Even when your behavior is not up to par, they won’t make a big fuss about it or make you feel bad or guilty.
3. They know when and how to compromise.
When things get heated up in the relationship, most probably because of the insecurely attached partner, they know when to take a step back and allow things to calm down. They will willingly take on the responsibility of working out a solution.
They will be the mature partner in the relationship and give in and give up to accommodate the needs and desires of their insecure partner.
4. They are selfless and generous.
In a relationship, both partners are meant to be equals and should share responsibilities and duties equally. However, a securely attached partner will be willing to make adjustments to adapt to the demands of their partner.
Even while they listen, ask, and value the opinions of their partner, they won’t insist on reciprocity. They won’t force their insecurely attached partner to change their habits and behavior to suit them.
They allow their partners to make decisions and never impose their opinion on others. They willingly accept the demands and suggestions of others, even if they don’t agree with them.
5. They are honest and straightforward.
A securely attached partner is not interested in being secretive, hiding things, and playing games. They are more like an open book, easy and available for you to read anytime.
They don’t pretend to be someone they are not to impress you or others. Nor do they act as if they are hard to get. They will tell you their needs, desires, and what is on their mind clearly. There is no need for guesswork. Neither do they expect you to read their mind.
If they are interested in you, they will tell you directly. If they are not interested in taking the relationship forward, again, they will be honest with you. They don’t display any of the devious dating tactics so common nowadays.
6. They are comfortable about commitment.
The “C” word doesn’t make them turn around and run as fast as their feet can manage. They are neither afraid nor uncomfortable when you introduce the topic of commitment.
They are not afraid of intimacy or relationships. In fact, they are keen on commitment as they are more interested in lifelong relationships and commitment. One-day stands and short-term flings do not interest them.
7. They respect boundaries.
Boundaries are an integral part of a healthy relationship. Just because two people agree on a committed relationship doesn’t mean there is no need for interpersonal boundaries.
A securely attached partner will set their boundaries and respect the ones set by their partner. When you overstep their boundaries, they will calmly point this out and ask you to respect them. If you hurt them in some way, again, they will make it known to you in a gentle way. They also expect reciprocity from you on this.
8. They trust you unconditionally.
A securely attached partner is neither jealous nor doubtful of your motives. They show no hesitation in trusting you. They are faithful and reliable in their dealings. They absolutely trust you because that is what they believe a relationship stands for.
They are always there for you in your time of need. You can rest assured that they always have your back. Irrespective of your behavior and response, they will continue to support you.
9. They can disagree without losing cool.
Their maturity and level-headedness make them calm and relaxed. Even when they argue or have a disagreement in views and opinions, they always manage to retain their good manners and courtesy. They can remain civil even if they disagree.
They never raise their voice, even if the situation demands it and they are justified. They are more interested in making it right in the relationship and not proving themselves right.
10. They are keen on growing together.
They are not interested in ensuring only their own welfare. They would rather have shared growth with you. This makes them support you in your hour of need and rejoice in your success.
11. They are free of old baggage.
They know the importance of leaving the traces of old relationships behind before entering a new one. They don’t have unresolved issues and past hurts that haunt them. However, they understand that you are still carrying yours.
Secure attachment examples
- Not scared of emotional pain
- Not afraid of honesty
- Available for emotional attachment
- Not afraid to show feelings
- Feels confident to reveal their distress
- Enjoys freedom to pursue own passions
- Trust their partner
- Respect their partner’s needs and boundaries
- Value the opinion of their partner
- Support their partner to be independent
How to develop a secure attachment style?
Changing attachment style is no easy task. Patience and willpower are the basic requirements to make this happen.
Some of the main steps you can take to develop secure attachment style are:
- Become aware of your insecure attachment and its effects.
- Find out the reason for you to develop this.
- Try to heal the wounds that set you off on this undesirable path.
- Work on improving your self-esteem, confidence, and trust.
There is no doubt that a secure attachment relationship is the most desirable of all. Whether one partner is securely attached or both, this relationship has a better chance to last longer with love, respect, and trust intact.
For more on this topic, see our article how to lose attachment to someone.