How do we recognize narcissistic mothers? Mostly by what they tell us.
Narcissistic personality disorder is also evident through behavioral traits but this is always subject to interpretations. However, the spoken word is more reliable evidence in this context.
The language used, the tone, and the facial expressions that go along with it all help us identify the narcissists amongst us. When this conforms with the behavior of the person, we can be sure about our assessment.
We are dealing with only narcissistic mothers in this article. The words used by mothers to their children to keep them under their control follow a pattern. Most of these comments, commands, or demands are meant to guilt-trip, manipulate, and gaslight their children.
Another common trait among people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is to maintain the focus on themselves. This means they tend to use the pronouns “I” and “me” a lot more than usual.
Read on to know the typical things narcissistic mothers say.
Samples of things narcissistic mothers say
The examples are clubbed together based on the intention behind saying them.
Narcissistic mothers use criticism to undermine your confidence and accomplishments. They are afraid that they won’t be able to control you if you realize your potential. By constantly putting you down and pinpointing your weaknesses and deficiencies, narcissistic parents try to keep you bound to themselves.
- “I don’t think that boy is any good. You shouldn’t go out with him.”
- “Why do you continue working in this office? This isn’t good enough. You should quit the job.”
- “Do you even realize that your friends are using you? You should cut ties with them.”
- “I don’t understand how your partner can tolerate you.”
- “You were never considered brainy or sharp.”
- “You’re so slow. We’re all waiting for you.”
Narcissistic mothers often use this strategy to make you feel guilty even if you’re not at fault. This is typically used to shift the blame from themselves or their favorites. This has a huge impact on your mental health.
- “You’ll feel sad when I’m no longer here.”
- “You never return my calls or come for a visit. You know that I’m all alone.”
- “I’m going to die alone.”
- “You’re responsible for your parent’s divorce.”
- “I gave up my job for you.”
- “Why don’t you have children? I want to see my grandkids.”
Gaslighting is a method used by narcissistic parents to mislead you into believing that you are wrong. You’ll be so confused that you’ll begin to question your sanity and memory. Your mental health is bound to suffer as a consequence.
- “You misheard me. That is not what I said.”
- “You’re too naive. This is not what he meant.”
- “What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”
- “You misunderstood me. That is not what I meant.”
- “That never happened. It’s all your imagination.”
- “You have no clue what you’re talking about.”
Narcissists are synonymous with drama. Narcissistic mothers love drama as this will ensure that the focus remains on themselves. Narcissists will do anything to be at the center of attention.
- “My daughter won’t allow me anywhere near her children.”
- “I just had my hair done and my daughter told me it looks terrible.”
- “No one in the family came to see me at the hospital. What if I had died?”
- “Today it’s my birthday and no one remembered it.”
- “I tripped and twisted my ankle yesterday. Nobody helped me.”
- “Your father never approved of your choice of husband.”
Ignoring your feelings
All narcissistic parents are interested in promoting themselves. They are not bothered about the welfare of their children. Narcissistic parents are concerned about their own feelings and how others perceive them. While boosting their own feelings, they may trample on yours.
- “Why? Can’t I even joke?”
- “Why are you making such a fuss about this?”
- “This is for your own good.”
- “Just grow up. This is no big deal.”
- “What exactly is the problem? I can’t see any.”
- “Can’t you just put this silly episode behind you?”
This is another form of guilt-tripping. When you fail to do something that you agreed to do for them due to lack of time or a similar situation, narcissistic parents ensure that you pay for your dereliction. Remember you had every right to say no to her request.
- “I’m throwing a party and you’re in charge of decoration.”
- “I’m planning to go on a vacation and I’ve no one else to accompany me.”
- “If you don’t take me to the hospital, I’m going to die at home.”
- “Pick me up now or I’ll have to suffer the rush-hour public transport.”
- “If you won’t agree to water my plants, I’ll have to cancel my vacation plans.”
- “I have done so much for you. When have you ever shown any appreciation.”
Harming your self-esteem
A narcissistic person knows well that they can keep you under their control if your confidence levels are low. They will do everything they can to portray you in a bad light and harm your self-worth. Constant criticism can ensure that your confidence level is at its lowest.
- “How I wish you’re never born!”
- “No one likes you.”
- “No wonder your friends run away from you.”
- “You’re never going to find love.”
- “It’s embarrassing to call you my daughter.”
- “Don’t bother trying. It’s too much for you.”
This is the hallmark of narcissistic parents. They play favorites and turn their children against each other to gain an advantage from the situation. Narcissistic mothers keep changing their favorites and you are always left wondering whether you will get her support or she will make you the scapegoat.
- “Your brother is doing well at school. What is wrong with you?”
- “Have you heard my friend’s son got placed with Google?”
- “Your friend and her husband make such a wonderful couple. When are you planning to settle down?”
- “Why don’t you start exercising for a change? You look so awful. Can’t you take inspiration from your sister?”
- “Your sister always comes over to visit me every weekend. When are you planning your next visit?”
- “You should try to be more like your brother. He is wonderful.”
One-upmanship with you
Mothers are expected to offer unconditional love and nurture their children. However, narcissistic parents may not be in a position to do this as they see everyone including their own children as their rivals. They are always trying to be the best and above everyone else. In their efforts to promote themselves, narcissistic parents end up undermining their children.
- “I was more beautiful when I was younger.”
- “I cleared this exam with better scores.”
- “Even today, I look better than you.”
- “Didn’t you look in the mirror before stepping out? You look an awful sight.”
- “I’ve better fashion sense than you.”
- “Just follow my advice and save yourself the trouble.”
Final thoughts on narcissistic mothers
You’re her favorite punching bag. To you, it seems as if she lives each day to bring you down. This can be harrowing for you as a child. Unfortunately, the aftereffects of living with a narcissistic parent may continue to show up even in your adulthood.
Whether she is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or not, you know that she has narcissistic tendencies. Instead of waiting for a narcissistic mother to recover from this malady or realize her mistake, you can be the mature person in the relationship.
You may not be able to control her behavior but you can always decide how you are going to react to her. It’s how to deal with your narcissistic parent that matters. You have the choice to keep your distance from her or cut her off completely from your life.
Remember that you have the right to make this decision. Let her not tell you otherwise.