Dating a married man can be pretty intense and exciting. But there is also the risk of being used by him.
One moment you feel as if you are on top of the world and there is so much love that you find it hard to handle it. The next moment you could sense a nagging thought creeping in, telling you that he is putting on a show for your benefit.
The general rule of thumb is if you feel something is off, it usually is. Being a woman, your intuition is sharper than average. You must have caught some sign without even realizing its significance. His body language will offer you the best clues to the true state of affairs.
That is neither here nor there. Let’s tackle this issue properly without resorting to innuendos and surmises. Read on to learn how to tell if a married man is using you.
How do you tell if a married man is using you?
To get to the bottom of this issue, you need to go back to the beginning and figure out how the relationship came about. Did you take the initiative? Do you benefit from it? Are you enjoying the association? Are you in this relationship of your own volition or out of compulsion?
Another aspect you need to consider is whether this man is just being nice to you because he wants something from you in return. However, if he is not invested in you or has no intention of committing to a healthy relationship with you, it might not work out for you in the long term. He might just be using you for his short-term gains.
Even when you confront him with this question, he may use his charming ways and persuasive powers to calm you down. That doesn’t mean anything. The man still might be using you for all you know. He will be on his best behavior when he knows that you are suspicious and doubt his intentions.
The ideal way to recognize being used by a married guy is to look out for signs of change in his body language. There are subtle as well as blatant signs that will point to the truth. When there are too many warning signs of a married player that tell the same story, it is time you sit up and take notice. It is time you did something about the situation.
Here are some of the most prominent warning signs that tell you the married man you are dating is, in fact, using you.
19 clear warning signs a married man is using you
1. He is not honest with you.
He is secretive about his personal life and refuses to open up to you. Despite spending time with you, he manages to keep things from you.
You have been dating each other for a few months now and it is time you know everything about each other. However, you aren’t in sync with his moods and mood swings. You aren’t aware of what he is thinking or the emotions he is experiencing.
You try hard to piece together him and his married life from the bits of information he lets slip at times. Whenever you try to ask him more personal questions, he shuts you out saying it is off limits.
He seems to be interested only in having some fun and enjoyable moments with you. The rest of his life seems to be off-limits for you. Even if you have intimate conversations, it is always you opening up about your life, and never a word is said by him.
Your relationship seems to be too one-sided and skewed for comfort.
2. He comes to you only for sex.
It cannot get more evident than this. When a married man is using you only for his sexual pleasures, it is a clear indication that he is interested in nothing more.
He is nice to you and says all those sweet nothings that you want to hear. If you care to think about it, he is trying to get you in a good mood so that he gets what he wants out of you. If for some reason, you aren’t ready for sex, he seems to switch off his charm at will. He may not even contact you for days or weeks until things cool off.
This kind of behavior on his part may put pressure on you to please him whenever he wants. You seem to get the message loud and clear that he isn’t bothered about your feelings. A relationship only to meet sexual needs is never a healthy one.
3. You feel worthless around him.
You feel as if you are useless and disposable when you are with him. When a married man uses you, he discards you when he doesn’t need you anymore.
You feel as if you have no say in the matter and you just need to step up whenever he needs you. When he leaves you, you are expected not to feel hurt by his actions and wait patiently for him to come back to you.
You often wish things were different. You wish for a partner who would appreciate you for who you are and would not take you for granted.
Of course, you love him. But wants to be loved in return as well instead of being treated like a lifeless object. At times, you are tempted to leave him and look for real love but somehow never muster enough courage for this step.
4. You will always remain the “other one”.
When you began the affair, he promised to leave his wife and marry you. Weeks and months have gone by without any sign of this happening. You have lost hope on this.
Now you know for sure that he will not leave his wife or his family. You will forever remain as his extramarital affair and in the shadows. Every time you bring up the topic of his leaving his wife, he avoids it or storms out. By now you know that this is just a carrot he was showing you to get you.
In the beginning, you were so sure that his love for you is true and that he will leave his wife and marry you. But now he knows that you are not going to walk out on him. This gives him the confidence to treat you the way he does. You are merely a dalliance for him while his wife and family are for keeps.
5. You are merely an emotional outlet for him.
Of course, he is taking advantage of you to satisfy his physical needs. In addition, he is also using you emotionally.
After each visit, you feel as if he is using you to vent his anger and frustration. He expects you to cheer him up and boost his morale. Every time his ego is bruised or he is feeling depressed, he comes crawling to you for comfort and perking up.
You feel like an agony aunt listening to his complaints and grievances. He looks up to you for encouragement and advice to get him through the rough and tumble of married life.
However, when you are going through a rough patch, he is nowhere to be found. You are left alone to deal with your problems. The relationship is as one-sided as it can be.
6. He is nice to you only to get what he wants.
Which is mostly comfort, intimacy, and sex. But to keep you where you are in the relationship and get you to do his bidding, he promises you the world. He leads you on without any shame.
Often married men like this promise to leave their wives and marry you as soon as divorce comes through. Unfortunately, they have no intention of following through with this promise. They want to keep up the appearance of happy family life with his wife. He will keep the relationship with you well hidden from the world.
If you fall for his promises, you are in for a rude shock. All these married men do is manipulate you in every possible way to get you to dance to their tunes.
7. He is not interested in your opinion.
The conversation is considered the building block of a healthy relationship. However, in yours, it is totally absent.
Neither is he interested in talking to you about important matters nor does he consult you before making life-altering decisions. Even if you volunteer your opinion, he makes it clear that he is not interested in hearing you out.
Some married men at least make a sham by listening to you. They make it appear as if they are hearing what you are saying but from their reactions, you know that their thoughts are elsewhere. He rarely makes eye contact or can recollect what you said earlier. All he does is grunt and give you non-committal assurances like “yeah, sure” or “absolutely”.
You may want to make excuses for his behavior but in your heart of hearts, you know what this means.
8. He stands you up on dates.
How often have you waited for him to turn up at a restaurant or for a movie only to receive a message saying something else has come up and he can’t make it?
Emergencies can happen and if genuine, you should be willing to accommodate his change of plans. However, when this happens way too often, it is a clear sign that your married partner is using you.
In his priority list, you feature way down at the bottom. His family, friends, work commitments, and a whole lot of other things feature above you. So naturally, the time with you often gets canceled when something else comes up.
It’s up to you to decide whether you want to continue in a relationship with this man.
9. You remain his secret obsession.
Despite being with him for months, you haven’t even met his closest friends. He never takes you out to public places, let alone private gatherings. It is as if he is scared of letting the world know about your affair.
He may have told you that he will file for divorce from his wife soon and marry you the moment he is free. He may have promised to start living together as soon as possible. All that and more remains as promises and nothing more. You remain his dirty little secret.
Even when you attend public gatherings, he wants you to keep your distance from him and act as if you don’t know him. He may spin stories to make his case but the fact remains that he is not ready to declare your relationship to the world.
Continuing a relationship with such a man is risky and not advisable.
10. He asks big favors from you.
You are willing to accept that he is not yet ready to declare your relationship to the world. But when he expects you to make sacrifices, you are justified in feeling that it is not fair.
He may raise all kinds of demands with you. The worst of the lot is financial. He isn’t contributing anything to the expense or supporting you financially. On the contrary, he asks you to lend him money now and then. This may start with small sums and move on to substantial amounts. This is a clear red flag in the relationship. You should not entertain this even if your heart says, “Just this once”.
Other than money, he may ask for other favors from you as well. He may want to move in with you without contributing in any way. He may ask you to act as his driver or run errands for him.
If he is not returning the favor, it is a bad trade deal for you.
11. He never prioritizes you.
You understand that your position is precarious as of now and hence ready to accept the fact that you are way down his priority list. However, he doesn’t give you top priority not even once. That is not fair for sure.
If he cares about you, you should feature at the top of the list at least once in a while. At least when the world is not watching and only when the two of you are there, he should give you more importance. When this never happens, you should treat it as a red flag instead of finding excuses for him.
Being a married guy, he can come up with all kinds of excuses for his poor way of treating you. You may love him enough to accept his excuses at face value. However, for your sake, you should open your eyes and see how things stand in the relationship once in a while.
12. He is irresponsible while having sex with you.
He is least bothered about safe sex or the consequences of having a sexual relationship with you. He leaves the entire responsibility of the relationship with you and doesn’t own up to any consequences.
You may not think much about this as long as things are going great and nothing untoward happens. However, at the first hint of trouble, you will get to see his real self. He will dump all responsibility on your lap and disappear.
Having an affair with a married man comes with its own risks. You got into the relationship knowing this completely. However, the responsibility for the affair needs to be shared equally among the two of you. And, behaving responsibly is part of the whole deal.
13. He continues to flirt with other women.
With this behavior, he is making it clear his intentions about you and where you stand in the relationship. This is both sad and pathetic. Even after witnessing such incidents, if you want to make excuses for him and want to continue in the relationship, it is your funeral, so to speak.
With his affair with you, you know that he is cheating on his wife. He may have given you excuses for his behavior. However, if he is indulging in the same behavior with other women and cheating on you as well, you need to confront him and ask for an explanation.
He may deny the charges or ignore your questions. Either way, if you are sure that he is checking out other women, it is time for some hard decisions.
14. He expects you to be at his beck and call.
Being a married man, he may give himself special status in the relationship. He may argue that he has much more commitments and restraints than you. This means you should be willing to accommodate him and his schedule and not the other way around.
He may put more pressure on you if he has kids. If you are single and free, he expects you to be available for him at all times of the day and night. Whenever he is free, he wants you to be there for him. Be it in person, answering calls or messages, or doing things for him.
In some ways, you too accept this situation. However, when he takes you for granted every single time, you feel that it is unreasonable. You should let him know how you feel about it.
15. He turns his charm off if you deny him sex.
How much clearer can he get? If you are ready to do his bidding, he is kind, sweet, and nice to you. The moment you express your unwillingness to dance to his tune, he turns morose and uncooperative. He may even walk out of the relationship or stay away for a while.
He uses sex to manipulate you into submission. This is one of the worst-case scenarios of having an affair with a married man. He forgets that it is a relationship with emotional involvement. It is not a business transaction.
He treats your relationship as if it is a trade deal. Sex and physical intimacy in return for his care, attention, and time. Be aware that he is using you and disrespecting you at the same time.
16. His family isn’t aware of your existence.
You know every single detail about his family because he talks about them incessantly. But his wife and family are unaware of your relationship with him or even the fact that you exist. That is indeed sad.
When you started the affair, he made it very clear that his marriage has broken down completely and he is about to file for divorce. It is only a matter of days before he will be free to marry you. He even promised to introduce you to his family. But none of this ever happened. You remained a dirty little secret from his family and the world.
As long as he is keeping you a secret, there is no guarantee that you will ever become part of his life officially. There is always a chance that he will go back to his family leaving you or find another woman to replace you.
17. He pays you to keep quiet.
This is writing on the wall for you. He feels that he can get what he wants from you and pay you for your silence. You need to think about the kind of relationship you are having with this man. It is time to ask yourself some hard questions.
Is it what you want in life? If not, what are you going to do about it?
Not only does he want to keep you a secret, but he is also flaunting his money and influence to keep you quiet. Are you aware of what is happening? Are you okay with this arrangement? Did you begin it in the first place?
If you are okay with the way things are in the relationship, you need to realize that it is not love that is binding you together. Your relationship is more like a business transaction. Let’s not deceive ourselves into believing that it is love.
18. He has rules in place on how you can get in touch with him.
You know that he is married and has a wife and family to take care of. But he promised you that he will leave them and marry you at the earliest. All those talks seem to have gotten lost somewhere.
Now, he has made it clear that you cannot contact him directly. Your affair needs to remain a secret. You aren’t allowed to meet him in public places. You can meet him only when he comes over to your place. In fact, you aren’t even allowed to call or text him. Or else, his wife will find out.
This is a sad excuse for an affair. You need to evaluate whether you want to continue in such a relationship.
19. He doesn’t make efforts to understand you.
While he expects you to accommodate his needs and circumstances, he doesn’t give a thought about what you are going through for his sake. You try to express your reservations about the elaborate set of rules he has framed for you but he brushes you aside without any consideration.
He doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and hardships. All that he is bothered about is getting what he wants from you and keeping the affair a secret from everyone.
You should make an effort to let him know what you are going through and make him aware of your feelings. If he continues to be apathetic to your plight, it is time for you to make hard decisions.
How to get over being used by a married man?
When you are having an affair with a married man and you feel that you are being ill-treated or ignored by him, you will rarely get any sympathy from the general public. The attitude would be that you are a home-breaker and deserve it for having an affair with a married man.
As you may not receive any help in dealing with this problem, it is up to you to take matters into your own hands. If you are unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship, you should hit the pause button and reevaluate the relationship. You should make a decision based on what you want and what makes you happy.
When you began the relationship, you were madly in love with him but now, you see him for who he really is. You have been hurt and your heart broken. It’s time you prioritized yourself and your feelings.
Here are some suggestions to get over a toxic relationship with a married man.
- Leave the fantasy world and be realistic and rational.
- Remove his phone number and block him on all platforms.
- Stay away from social media until things calm down.
- Get busy. Make sure you are doing something you love.
- Make new friends.
- Launch yourself on the dating scene if you feel you are ready and up for it.
- Consider a change of scene. Shift to a new home or change jobs.
- Invest in self-care and self-love.
- Learn to prioritize yourself and your needs.
- Learn to value yourself and embrace yourself for who you are.
- Trust your intuitive abilities and hone your skill to comprehend the unsaid and unseen.
- Get help from a trusted friend or mental health professional.
If you decide to leave the relationship with a married man, you may not be in the right frame of mind for another relationship immediately. You may want to remain single and enjoy the freedom it offers. You are spot on in this. Take your time. Rebounds usually end in disasters.
When you feel you are ready for a relationship, ease yourself into the dating scene slowly. Play safe if need be. Do only what you feel is comfortable. More than anything, listen to your inner voice and prioritize your happiness and needs. Eventually, you will find the person who will appreciate you for who you are.